As I mentioned in a recent post, I’m reading a book called “The Continuum Concept” by Jean Liedloff. I’m still only in the middle of it because I find that the density of information requires that I take a lot of time to digest what I’ve read and consider the impact it has on my view of motherhood.
In Liedloff’s revelations about the need for continuum or attachment parenting, I decided about a month ago to bring Fisher into our bed to sleep alongside Eric and me. It wasn’t an easy decision when most popular advice suggests that babies have their own beds in their own rooms. But nothing is ever certain when it comes to raising a child, and after reading that part of the book that discussed not only the benefits, but the absolute necessity that a child be physically with his or her parents as much as possible, I relented. I now wish I could go back and honour the strong instinct I had had when Fisher was born to keep him in our bed at night, but hopefully trusting the instinct now, still as resonant with my gut as it was back then, is the next best thing.
So when we started with the “experiment”, Fisher got used to the idea very quickly and has not wanted to return to his crib once. The adjustment period, and the resulting lack of sleep, made me doubt myself and question the whole endeavour many times, and I wondered if I was acting the bored housewife looking to create complication for amusement’s sake. But I know myself better than to believe that I am such a person, and we’re all getting used to the new arrangement now. I’m also believing it more and more to be the right thing for us as well as for Fisher.
There have been noticeable changes in Fisher that I believe to be very much related to, if not a direct result of, our new sleeping arrangement. I had hoped that Fisher would feel more secure and therefore generally happier, and emotionally free to seek out all that interested him while opening up his potential for learning. And about a week into it, he suddenly changed, from a curious, happy-go-lucky child to a positively radiant, excited and energetic little boy. (Eric is more reluctant than I am to believe that sleeping in our bed has had such an effect on Fisher, but I of course am far more optimistic). His ability to learn and use language has made noticeable headway, and he makes much more physical contact with us than before. All of this progress may simply be a product of his age and ever-changing brain, and children tend to surprise us with how quickly they develop, but I do believe that sleeping in our bed has had a very positive effect on his emotional health and, therefore, on the new and more readily-made connections that are occurring in his body and mind.
The effects of Fisher sleeping with us has had some wonderful and unexpected outcomes for me as well. Within about a week or two, I noticed that I was able to communicate with Fisher a lot better, grasping without as much effort as before what it was he wanted at a given time, and reading his cues with much more confidence. I can tell usually tell now why he’s cranky, and can resolve it much more quickly. I’ve also become better at trusting him instead of trying to fit his needs into what I think is right. Even more amazing, I found that I could suddenly pick out the sound of his voice amongst the voices of other children, whereas I couldn’t quite do that before. It’s as though one day I could finally hear my child, a natural instinct that was suppressed in me until recently. The simple act of sharing a bed has attuned me to Fisher and vice versa, and we are operating on the same wave length. I finally feel like I’m not just mothering my son, but am connected to him in every which way, which is what I had hoped for and expected from the very beginning. All this time I had wondered why things just didn’t feel quite right between us, and my discomfort has finally found a resolution.
As for Eric and me, we’ve hit a few grumbly mornings from lack of sleep, but I feel closer to him much in the same way that I feel closer to Fisher. Even though we’ve always spent as much time together as possible, the family bond seems to have deepened and we’re much more sensitive to each other’s needs. And I have to say it again; I really didn’t expect these to see such overall positive effects from creating a “family bed”, especially for Eric and me.
I absolutely agree with Liedloff that sleeping alongside your child is the natural and necessary thing to do. After more than a month, I believe the decision to bring Fisher into our bed to be one of the wisest things I have ever done for him. I went with my gut, and despite serious doubts in the first couple of weeks, everything is just as it should be, and I am so much happier because of it.
