I’ve come to realize over the last few days that there is still have a lot of forgiveness I need to show myself over my own shortcomings. And I believe that this shortfall in self-forgiveness has been the biggest thing that has kept me from allowing Fisher to think and learn as freely as I would like. The problem is that I try to reason many of my feelings away, admonishing myself for not wanting something “better” or different for myself and my family. But, I tell you, the mind never does win over matters concerning the heart. And when I finally trust that what I feel is indeed the right thing or way, and that I don’t need to justify to anyone why it is so, I’m more confident and open to allowing other good and right things to come into my life. Taking a deep breath and simply following the curves in the road make life so much simpler.
I’m going to let you in on a little secret. Since last August (about the time I last posted to this blog), Eric and I started trying for a second baby. I wouldn’t call it so much “trying” as removing obstacles, but there isn’t that much difference, so whatever. I figured it would be ideal to have a two and a half year age difference between our children, so we started the process expecting it to take a few months. It is now the beginning of March, about seven months later, and I haven’t gotten pregnant. I’m actually quite a bit surprised that nothing’s happened so far because Fisher was conceived on the second cycle of barrier-free sex. But I’m also a sleep-depravation survivor with a body that has changed a lot in the last three years. I’ve gotten older, wiser, happier, yes, but the older part is probably what’s choking things up a bit. And I think there’s one more huge thing that I’ve only recently been able to admit: I’m not actually ready for Round Two. I’ve been convincing myself over the last while that Fisher needs to have a sibling, that I’m home with him now so I might as well have another one as soon as I can, and that I want to be able to get the baby stage out of the way so that I can start thinking about what I’d like to do outside of my family life to, you know, make money. And in those moments when I couldn’t help but acknowledge my gut feeling, usually found in the relief I felt following the arrival of yet another period, I knew that there was more than biology at work here. In fact, since last August a whole heckuva lot of things have been going on with us that would have put too much stress on an early pregnancy and an anticipated baby. For instance, we had bought a house by the end of that month, and had a close-call with the financing. By the middle of September, it had closed and we were in the midst of arranging contractors because the place was a disaster. After almost two stressful months of getting the house into move-in condition, we moved in. By the time we got settled, Christmas hit, which brought way more visiting than we’re used to as well as a driving test (which stressed me out so much that I actually had breakthrough bleeding the day after). And winter has given me cabin fever and too much time wandering around the mall. And now that we’re on the edge of Spring, I am a little overwhelmed as well as excited to get the rest of our renovations done. I don’t want to be inhaling dry wall dust and paint fumes while trying to nourish a life growing inside me. The front garden and back yard need years of work, and I have a lot to look forward to and work hard towards in that respect, which again won’t bode well for pregnancy or my state of mind if I feel I have to give up a much needed summer in the name of procreation.
All of the reasons for not getting pregnant I’ve just named seem really selfish, and perhaps they are. They are also very rational in nature, which is why those reasons are really only half the story. The truth is, the idea of caring for a newborn baby, however different it will be given that we now have experience, really turns me off at the moment. You would think that I would be pulling out all the newborn clothes, looking longingly at babies at the play centre, or doing everything I could health-wise to conceive. But I’m not doing any of those things because I simply don’t want to really even think about it. I adore Fisher and I want him to enjoy as much of his parents’ attention as possible until it becomes apparent that he doesn’t need us quite so much. But even more importantly, I want enough time to essentially overcome the shock of Round One. It’s not that I am traumatized by the birth of Fisher, in fact far from it, it’s that I’m still adjusting and growing and replenishing myself in the face of the great love he brought to my life. My perspective has evolved so much that I want a bit more time to satisfy this need to become a bigger and deeper person, emotionally and creatively. And to be sure, there is also some more forgetting involved because of the incredible responsibility of caring for a new human being. Some mothers require much less time to move on to having their next child, but when I look at where I am, I’m really not there yet. In fact, these days I’ve been wondering if a second child is even in the cards for me (which is nothing short of stupefying given how long and how intensely I’ve wanted to have at least two children). But that last concern really is not relevant until a much more substantial amount of time has passed and I continue to feel the way I do now.
So all things considered, it seems I’ve reconciled myself to the strange but faithful acknowledgement that conceiving a second child is not my next project, as it were. My body has been following suit long before I knew what was what anyway. And as a result of my new outlook, I feel renewed patience both with myself and with life in general, as well as (funny enough) a raised interest in the babies I’ve come across. Eric is, as always, following my lead with this issue, though I can tell he still has to make up his mind on what he’d like us to do in the long run. We’re probably going to ride out the rest of this month (tee hee), and then get back on the ol’ birth control for the next while. And if I happen to get pregnant this month, all because I finally relaxed and said, “now is clearly not the time”, then all guts are off!!
